A long way around to saying: I am scared.... AKA My First Post

Here I am 7 days away from a day that will be a mix of such emotion, I don't know how I am going to get through each emotion as they come. I don't even know how I am going to get through the 7 days themselves either. Here I am, "Firsting" my way through another Angel-versary. But this year it includes a Memorial Service for a Momma's beautiful boy, and my awesome nephews 12th birthday.

I am already riding the roller coaster that I am fearing I will be a passenger of on the 13th. For example: simple songs that I use to belt at the top of my lungs for the fun hell of it, now has this perverse hidden meaning about Ethan, or Ethan and I, or Ethan and I and the time we never got to have together, or Ethan and I and the time we did get to have together. (I will save the details of those songs for another blog post "The Beatles Revival" which if you are over the age of 30, your parents were Beatles fans, or you are...you will get the reference) I am just drowning in this strange puddle of emotion that wasn't even as bad the first year. And of course the first year hurt. The first year I was brokenhearted, sad, lost, scared that a chapter had closed, angry, bitter, etc. I was ALL of the things a first year Baby Loss Mom on an Angel-versary should be.....but this year? This second year? I don't know what I expected, but this was not it. Not one bit of it. This that I am experiencing I was so incredibly unprepared for...I am such an emotional wreck behind the walls of my house (or car) that you would think I just lost my Angel Baby Boy. But nope, I lost him 723 days ago (as of this writing). You would think not having someone around for 723 days, you would be use to it. The new normal of 3 (-1). As if my life is a simple (or as difficult, depending on who you ask) a math equation. 3 + (-1) = ?

And while I am on this roller coaster, I do try to decipher what actually is going on in this heart of mine. I refuse to let this, whatever this is, just act out like a teenage rebellion without sitting down and picking each broken piece up so that Angel-varsary #3, I won't have to dig out of here again.

So currently, I found a piece of fear laying here in a corner. And you know what fear is doing in this corner of my heart? It is being afraid that on the 13th, I will know that 730 days prior, was the last time I held my Angel Baby...just like 723 days ago was currently the last time, and it might really fucking hurt. Like more than 723 days feels like....but I can't let it hurt for that long, because I have an awesome nephew that is here, on earth with me, that I have to celebrate with.

And now I have Emma. And people (wrongly) say that when you have a baby after a loss, it "replaces" them. "See, now you HAVE a baby to love on earth." Well, want me to be brutally honest? I thought in a way it would. Not that I was replacing Ethan in any way!! (<----- please read that sentence again for clarification of my thoughts..) But I thought that the years going by, it would be a bit easier because I have Ethan in my heart always, even while I am holding Emma in my arms....but in reality, it is making it hurt more! Why? Well, I have the answer......because now Emma and I are out of the house and in public. And am I getting the question that almost every baby loss Mom fears when they are out with their Rainbow Baby: "Is she your only child?" Nope, people are too damn proper to ask me that, (because I am in the mood to say "No, I have two children. One with God and one with me.") Instead, Emma's age comes up. and we have a brief discussion on my "beautiful daughter" and it has been killing me inside! It is slowly breaking my heart more and more because I will never, ever get the chance to answer someone's question on how old my "handsome son" is. No one asks you how old an Angel Baby is that they don't know of and will never see. It has happened 3 times in the past 24 hours. (I do feel bad for the kind lady at church. Our discussion was just long enough that I was able to get Ethan's story in briefly.) It is something I never thought of, so it was something I never thought I would miss. And don't get me wrong, I know that there will be events and situations, etc along the road of Emma's life that will make me pause and think "I wonder if Ethan would have done that/said that/looked like," etc but I thought that would happen privately, in my head, as oppose to those thoughts moving and squatting defiantly on my heart!

Well, here is to my first post of possibly many :::::cheers:::::....and hopefully after April 13th, the subject matter will be a bit more lighthearted.....